Can you be “too perfect?”
Introduction
I've always been an overachiever. I'm a perfectionist and it's made me successful in many ways. If you're like me, sometimes that same drive can lead you to feel like you're not good enough unless everything is perfect. This can be especially true if you have ADHD. So let's talk about how ADHD can make perfectionism worse—and some ways we can learn to deal with them both.
Why do some people with ADHD feel this way?
When someone with ADHD is struggling to meet their goals, it can cause them to feel as though they’re not enough. I often say that having ADHD is like swimming across a lake through mud. We can get to the other side, but it’s SO much harder for us than for neurotypicals. This can lead to a vicious cycle of low self-esteem, which makes it harder for us to achieve our goals and therefore makes us feel more inadequate.
The fact that perfectionism can be both an effect and cause of ADHD symptoms acting up is part of what makes this issue so tricky. It's not always easy to determine whether the perfectionist tendencies you have are symptoms of your ADHD (like having trouble getting started on something) or if they're actually contributing factors (like you’re afraid it won’t be perfect, so you don’t get started and keep putting it off).
Perfectionism is an effort to control outcomes and with ADHD, we can feel like it’s a way to mask our symptoms.
As with most things in life, there isn't necessarily one correct way to manage our ADHD; what works best for one person might not be right for another. However, if you're struggling with perfectionism as well as other aspects of your life related to having ADHD (such as work/school performance), then therapy may help you figure out how best deal with both issues at once.
How can I know if I've got a problem with perfectionism?
To know if you have a problem with perfectionism, ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel stressed and anxious when I don't do things perfectly?
Do I find myself constantly criticizing myself in my head or out loud?
Do I have trouble doing things that are less than perfect?
Do I avoid getting started with something because I am afraid I won't do it well?
Do I avoid relationships because I'm afraid of rejection (maybe because of ADHD symptoms)?
Why do we have such high standards for ourselves, when we don't expect other people to be perfect?
It's easy to understand why you might have high standards. You want to be successful, and you don't want to waste your time on a bad project or relationship. With ADHD, we’ve also struggled so much with life that we often feel as if we have to overcompensate so that no one will judge us. This is what we refer to as “masking” our ADHD symptoms.
But these aren't the same as expecting perfection of yourself. Perfection is an impossible goal—and it puts pressure on both your internal self-esteem and external relationships. After all, if nothing can ever be perfect in your eyes (or anyone else’s), then no one will ever measure up. This can lead to feelings of frustration, inadequacy and even depression when things don’t go according to plan.
You are good enough.
You are good enough.
You have to be okay with not being perfect because perfection is not realistic for anyone.
You are a good person and you can't change that by being someone else or doing something different than what you're already doing now. The only thing that helps is recognizing your own value and accepting yourself for who you are, even when it's difficult to do so.
You may feel like there is no one who understands what you're going through, but I promise there are other people out there who struggle with perfectionism too!
Most of all, remember that your ADHD also brings some amazing characteristics like creativity, bursts of energy (hyperfocusing), and compassion for the struggles of others. WE are perfectly imperfect!
Conclusion
As we said at the beginning, perfectionism is a way to try to control your environment. You can use it as a defense mechanism when things get tough and scary, or you can use it as an excuse not to try new things. But perfectionism won't make you happy in the long run—in fact, it'll probably make you feel even worse about yourself. (I call myself a “recovering perfectionist.” It takes time to let go of!). What's more important than perfection? Being true to yourself and loving yourself for who you are -even your ADHD.
