Swimming Through Mud and Blaming Ourselves for Losing the Race
“You can’t possibly have ADHD. You’re organized. You’re successful. How can you say you have ADHD?” I hear this all the time and while I understand that people mean that as a compliment, internally it’s exhausting and defeating in so many ways.
Then there are other moments in life when we’re criticized or labeled as incompetent in some way and those things hurt even more. I still remember when I was in my 20s, living with the guy who I thought was the love of my life. As an ADHDer who was undiagnosed at the time, I struggled with finishing chores (ok I still do, but I digress). I’d start on one thing in the house, then move to something else and leave the unfished laundry behind- (see a theme in my life there? the laundry! ugh! ).
In frustration, Romeo barked, “How are you going to ever have kids? You’re going to be a terrible mother if you can’t even finish one thing around here!” Ugh. My heart broke. Secretly, I believed what he was saying because my ADHD made me feel like a failure.
Today I understand that it was my ADHD that was causing so many frustrations in my life. And today I can say that I’ve actually been a “trophy mom” as my adult child calls me. Romeo was wrong (and mean). But those damaging words still sting when I remember them.
As an ADHDer, life can feel very lonely. Few understand our internal struggles and all that it takes to just get ONE thing done on some days. Not to mention the feelings of inadequacy and self-judgement that we struggle with when things go wrong.
The struggle is real, but how can neurotypical people really understand?
I often explain it this way:
Imagine that managing life is like having to swim across a pool. For neurotypical people, they just swim across it. They know what they have to do and they get it done.
Now for those of us with ADHD, we know how to swim. We are capable of getting to the other side but we face struggles. We might have a hard time even stepping up to the pool. When we finally start to swim, it’s like swimming through MUD. It’s far more difficult to get to the other side than for a neurotypical person. We might have to stop and catch our breath in the middle (time blindness-- zoning out). We might get sidetracked in the middle- looking at the cloud formations when we roll over in the mud. When we remember to get back to swimming, we wonder why this is so hard, comparing ourselves to the other folks who just swam across, Why is this so hard?
When we finally do get to the other side, we criticize ourselves, finding fault with the way we swam, our time wasn’t good enough, we shouldn’t have struggled, and we blame ourselves for not doing better. Does that sound fair?
It’s not.
For years, I swam through the mud in silence. I thought the mud was my fault- that I was lazy or “scattered” or “too emotional.” I compared myself to others. I internalized the criticism I’d gotten my entire life. I struggled with feeling like an imposter in whatever I did. Any success that I granted myself would lead to defeating self-talk and the belief that it was just a matter of time before someone found out that I was really incompetent.
But that wasn’t fair to me. Just like your self-blame isn’t fair to you.
Therapy can help. Meanwhile, here are some things to remember:
Your ADHD is real. It’s not an excuse to identify the ways it creates “mud” in your life.
Self talk matters. Listen to your thoughts and the things you say to yourself. Choose to speak kindly to yourself- especially when you’re struggling.
Do your best to unmask. That means sharing your struggles with the people in your life, taking care of yourself when your symptoms flare, and setting appropriate boundaries for yourself.
Surround yourself with people who understand (unlike Romeo). Find fellow ADHDers who can support you (there are lots of FB groups, social media pages, etc). Come out to your friends; you’ll be surprised by how many of them share that they are ADHDers, too (we tend to find each other, which is lovely!).
Finally, embrace your ADHD brain! We are “perfectly imperfect” and have SO many beautiful qualities! (More to come on that in a future blog post!).
Be kind to yourself today,
Vicki
