“A healer is someone who seeks to be the light that she wishes she had in her darkest moments.”
-Vironika Tugaleva
“A Smile & Nod” Therapist?
Victoria Carey, LISW-CP, LCSW
Not Your (Neuro-) Typical Therapist
As a young professional, I was trained to nod and smile, reflect back to my clients, and never, ever divulge anything personal about myself. Well, this candle tells you how I feel about that now.
Like most of my clients- and maybe you- I am an ADHD’er.
If you ask most people who know me, they’ll describe me as being strong and having my shit together. My experience is different than that.
For many of us, other people often have NO IDEA what is going on inside of us when we have ADHD. They don’t know the struggles, the self-doubt the shame and the isolation that often comes with our ADHD.
Swimming Thru Mud
Here’s how I describe the ADHD experience:
Imagine that getting things done in life is like having to swim across a pool. For neurotypical people, they just swim across it. They know what they have to do and they get it done.
Now for us, with ADHD, we know how to swim. We are capable of getting to the other side but even if we want to, we can’t bring ourselves to get started. It may look to others like we’re being lazy, but we’re really not- we feel paralyzed & can’t start!
When we finally start to swim (probably because it’s now urgent), it’s like swimming through MUD. It’s heavy. It’s messy. It’s a struggle.
We get part of the way and get exhausted and slow down or get distracted by the clouds as we try to tread water. Then we realize- “Oh, no. I forgot! What am I doing? I have to get across this pool!” Then we’re remind of the mud - “What is THIS? Why is this so hard?”-and we start to get mad at ourselves. Maybe we get upset and lose our cool. Sometimes we’ll just shut down and others assume we just gave up.
When we FINALLY get to the other side, we blame ourselves. “Why didn’t I just swim across like everyone else? What took me so long to start? Why couldn’t I just do it and be done with it? What the hell is wrong with me?”
For years, I swam through the mud in silence. I thought the mud was my fault- that I was lazy or “scattered” or “too emotional.” I’d even take on more to carry across that pool of mud with me, just to prove I was “capable” or “independent.”
I struggled with feeling like an imposter in whatever I did. Any success that I granted myself would lead to defeating self-talk and the belief that it was just a matter of time before someone found out that I was really incompetent.
In reality, I wasn’t incompetent. Instead, it was those micro “failures” caused by my ADHD: when I’d say something in the wrong way, when I’d impulsively interrupt someone, or when I was once again working at the last minute to meet a long-standing deadline.
Don’t even get me started on the self-torture of remembering every single time I messed up or embarrassed myself!
Wearing The Mask
I was completely overwhelmed. Every. Single. Day.
I constantly felt like that old act of the guy spinning the plates on poles, constantly running back and forth, spinning each one that wobbled, trying to make sure they didn’t fall and break. Just keep spinning the plates.
I was over-extended in every possible way- at work, at home, financially, physically. I was a mess. I’d developed hypertension, was exhausted, and had constant anxiety. I was too proud to ask for help; I had to do it all- lest anyone see that I was struggling.
Everybody thought I was a superwoman because that was the mask I wore, but internally I was a mess.
Healing
When my own child was diagnosed with ADHD/ neurodivergence, I had my own “shift in focus” and was diagnosed as well (sound familiar? It’s SO common!).
With support, I learned everything I could about my ADHD brain and how it works. It was liberating to understand that it wasn’t a character flaw, but my neurodivergent brain at work!
I learned to give myself grace, how to pay attention to what I need, how to ask for help when I need it, and to know that that every now and then I’m going to fuck up. And it’s ok.
I learned that in order for me to live authentically and to not get overwhelmed, I had to take off that mask of perfection. I had to embrace my ADHD brain, understand how it works, and to honor my imperfection.
It seems like an oxymoron, but when I learned to let go of being perfect and accept that I’m “perfectly imperfect”- ADHD and all, I became BETTER at my life! And I found peace.
Together, we can explore how you can live your best life as a neurodivergent person, too!
Last but definitely not least, I’m the proud supporter of clients, friends and family who are LGBTQ+.
I wear my rainbow “free mom hugs” shirts proudly.
I’m politically active.
So, know that ours will be a safe space for LGBTQ+ and BIPOC “family,” always.
Take the first step.
Perhaps you’ve had similar experiences in your life. Maybe you can relate to what I’ve experienced or perhaps you’ve got other “pain points“ in your life. Everyone’s experience is unique and their own, and pain is pain.
If you’re thinking of reaching out, I know how hard it is. Please know that you’ll be met by someone who understands and who won’t judge you. We’ll talk. You’ll share and I’ll listen. I’ll ask questions. Sometimes I’ll say, “Fuck that” and we’ll laugh. I’ll also hold space for you if you need to cry or vent.
It’s hard work, no doubt. But it’s so worth it.
Oh, and I’ll teach you some tools to manage your ADHD and anxiety. With the right tools, you can work WITH your brain instead of fighting it, silence your inner critic and find peace.
A Shift In Focus.
info@ashiftinfocus.org
call or text
“I always feel better after talking to Vicki. I always know she understands, especially when I talk about my ADHD. She gets it and doesn’t judge. It’s such a relief.”
CH- client